Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
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I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.