Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
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“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
broke down and did it
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*