[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
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Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
when someone compliments me
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Good point.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”