Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
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3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.