[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
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Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.