me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
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*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
the dark web is just a goth google.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators