You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
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I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.