Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently