me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
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Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit