You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
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“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I need to get some bricks…
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.