A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Yup….perfect score!
How about daylight saves us for once
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Become a minion. Get that bread.