I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
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9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
☺️
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.