“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
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The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Duolingo getting serious.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind