Untitled Goose Game (2019)
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vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.