@adult_keverage: Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
@adult_keverage: "Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated."
Thank you news-anchor. It's my first summer.
@adult_keverage: Do you know what's cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
@adult_keverage: Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.