dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
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HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Jogging
THIS HEADLINE
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
hmmm
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now