I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
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If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream