When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
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ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
No one :
Me when I swimming :
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell