I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
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Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
sry
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Customer is always right
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂