Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of agathagotstoned's best tweets

@agathagotstoned : (to the clerk working the counter at the feelings store) “No, not that animosity. The top shelf animosity, please. It’s a special occasion.”

@agathagotstoned: A coffee table book, but it's just pictures of me being forcibly awakened by the employees of various mattress stores across the country.

@agathagotstoned: The plane starts going down. I say, "If we die, know that hat is hideous". We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn't spoken to me since.

@agathagotstoned: What if cats are born with names & the fact that we call them names that aren't those names is the reason they act irrationally towards us?

@agathagotstoned: Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.

@agathagotstoned: If you walk into a room that's empty except for a clown doll sitting in a chair at a tiny table, you're probably about to be murdered.

@agathagotstoned: May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie

@agathagotstoned: *walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask*

*dies instantly, but with a touch of class*