me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
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My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️