πββοΈ
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Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Her: What did you get for Valentineβs Day?
Me: Drunk!
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
βGet out of here, NOW!”
βWhy?β
βHAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?β
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Hard not to take this personally
Amazon should have βI was drunkβ as an order cancellation option
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when heβs on the toilet or if itβs a one way street
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
That’s a good costume, I hope.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.