@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.