This may be my favorite dog video ever.
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It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online