God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
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Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
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