I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
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While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Bike for sale
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Snapes on a plane.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.