Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
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We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
*has no idea what a book even is*
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Dance like you’re not the father
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”