My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Important reminders
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.