I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
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Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
#Caturday
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!