Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
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I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
sin harder.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”