If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
#Caturday
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
How can I say no to this ?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT