[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
You Might Also Like
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.