Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
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[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles