stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
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Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.