[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
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I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.