a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
You Might Also Like
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Camping tip: No.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc