My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: itās like sheās watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
As I move away from the hometown thatās nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Iāve had worse
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next weekās calories?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
When you meet a flat-earther in real life donāt bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. āDonāt tell me you believe in āEarth,āā youāll demand.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* Iām sure if I lay here and ignore it, itāll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
HER: Iām a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: Iām sweating bullets
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying āhave you seen this tik tokā every 20 minutes until you die
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: ā¦okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado