Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Finally
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Zack Greinke stories are the best
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done