Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’