[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.