I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
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i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.