My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
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Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Hank is one in a melon.
I’m sure it’s fine.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Cheers Twitter.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby