Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
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We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD