[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
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The opposite of Iceland is water water
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Aight bet
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Going into Monday like
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.