Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of amydillon's best tweets

@amydillon : Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

@amydillon: Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you're having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

@amydillon: "Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!"

-me, parenting

@amydillon: When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

@amydillon: OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

@amydillon: One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

@amydillon: [son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

@amydillon: [concert]
SINGER: How's everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I'm in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

@amydillon: My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, "it goes by so fast."

@amydillon: "Hey, we're wearing the same shoes," I say to a teenager, ruining her day.