Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of amydillon's best tweets

@amydillon : One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

@amydillon: [son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

@amydillon: [concert]
SINGER: How's everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I'm in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

@amydillon: My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, "it goes by so fast."

@amydillon: "Hey, we're wearing the same shoes," I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

@amydillon: [sits next to friend in a coma, holding her hand]

"Squeeze once if that's an 8 at the end of your HBO Go password."

@amydillon: Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

@amydillon: Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

@amydillon: "Shh...it took an hour, but I think he's finally asleep."

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

@amydillon: My life these days is basically the "before" segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.