@amydillon: [son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
SINGER: How's everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I'm in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
@amydillon: My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, "it goes by so fast."
@amydillon: [sits next to friend in a coma, holding her hand]
"Squeeze once if that's an 8 at the end of your HBO Go password."
@amydillon: Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
@amydillon: Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
@amydillon: "Shh...it took an hour, but I think he's finally asleep."
*fireworks go off outside*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
@amydillon: My life these days is basically the "before" segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.