Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of amydillon's best tweets

@amydillon : "What state are we in now?" -kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

@amydillon: "Sorry I was skeptical about your cough."

-my new line of Get Well cards

@amydillon: It's not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

@amydillon: Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

@amydillon: Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you're having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

@amydillon: "Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!"

-me, parenting

@amydillon: When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

@amydillon: OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

@amydillon: One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

@amydillon: [son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.