Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of amydillon's best tweets

@amydillon : BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.? ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap* BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

@amydillon: Married conversation is like regular conversation except you're both brushing your teeth.

@amydillon: All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I'm trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

@amydillon: Funny how this Target cashier says "Merry Christmas" like she's not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

@amydillon: "What state are we in now?"

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

@amydillon: "Sorry I was skeptical about your cough."

-my new line of Get Well cards

@amydillon: It's not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

@amydillon: Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

@amydillon: Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you're having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

@amydillon: "Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!"

-me, parenting