@amydillon: HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
@amydillon: "Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting."
-my son, blaming the victims
@amydillon: Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
@amydillon: BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
@amydillon: Married conversation is like regular conversation except you're both brushing your teeth.
@amydillon: All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I'm trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
@amydillon: Funny how this Target cashier says "Merry Christmas" like she's not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.