Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of amydillon's best tweets

@amydillon : Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I'm really good at yelling at people.

@amydillon: HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

@amydillon: "Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting."

-my son, blaming the victims

@amydillon: Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

@amydillon: BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

@amydillon: Married conversation is like regular conversation except you're both brushing your teeth.

@amydillon: All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I'm trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

@amydillon: Funny how this Target cashier says "Merry Christmas" like she's not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

@amydillon: "What state are we in now?"

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

@amydillon: "Sorry I was skeptical about your cough."

-my new line of Get Well cards