Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
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[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
What do you hear?
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.