Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
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Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
*limbos under the caution tape
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!