Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
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Previously On Persistence 😎
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
drew a comic about my origin story
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.