My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
(Gaming support cat.)
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up