Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Angibangie's best tweets

@Angibangie : Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask? It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese...

@Angibangie: 6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy?

- No, that's vodka. Don't touch it. And don't try to dilute it with water when you're 16 I invented that

@Angibangie: Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we're never going on a second date

@Angibangie: I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

@Angibangie: *Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

@Angibangie: GOD: How many animals left to make?


G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

@Angibangie: -Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

@Angibangie: Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

@Angibangie: I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

@Angibangie: Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, "the big one is coming." Don't explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)