Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Angibangie's best tweets

@Angibangie : Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I'm just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you're gone because I can't not-live like this!

@Angibangie: Hi, I'm Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who's responsible for this girl?

@Angibangie: Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I'm not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It's like, when the grapes were really thicc.

@Angibangie: -If I'm wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald's worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries...

@angibangie: I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven't I done enough?

@angibangie: [both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn't you use a stroller?

@angibangie: I missed my calling in advertising.

"Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit."

@angibangie: Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

@angibangie: Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can't feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

@angibangie: *Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don't waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.