me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
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Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
bought wrong eggs
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Note to self: always read the final line
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.