14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?