When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
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Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
mechanics be like
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.