Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
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suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds